My dad has cancer.

There's no need to sugar coat it or beat around the bush.

He has cancer.

My sister and I were with him when he got his test results back and, even though we all knew that's what the doctor would say, it still knocked the wind out of me when he said "positive for prostate cancer."

Monday seemed like 5 days crammed into one. No one wants to discuss wills and funeral plans before they've even had a bowl of cereal, but that's how my day started out.

I know prostate cancer is extremely treatable, but it still scares the hell out of me that I could lose my Dad. What gets me the most (and this may sound ridiculous) is that he may not be around to walk me down the isle. Call me selfish, but when I start thinking about that is when the heaviest tears start coming down.

We don't know how advance the cancer is, but he did a bone yesterday and will get the results on Friday. The waiting is what's killing me. We know it's cancer and now we want to get it taken care of, but we can't yet. It's maddening!

I feel like a broken compass...

I started on a well beaten path. I had ideas about where I wanted to go and what I wanted to do so I began my journey. But then somehow, somewhere along the way, things got messed up and now I’m lost in the middle of the woods.

I’ve tried looking for ways out (does moss grow on the North or South side? I can never remember. And isn’t the Big Dipper supposed to point a certain direction? See why I’m lost in the wilderness?) but then I end up farther into the darkness. I tried just sitting and waiting for help to arrive, but that didn’t seem very productive so I stood up and just started walking. Then I got tired, took a nap and hoped I would wake up from a very bad dream.
That didn’t work either.

So here I am lost, scared, lonely, and tired with no daylight in sight and all I can wonder is, “How did I get here and how do I get out?”

Life: Updated

"It's a big girl world now. Full of big girl things.
And everyday, I wish I was small."
-Lyrics by Kendall Payne

I haven't had a lot of time to update on my life overall, so I figured today would be as good as any.

We'll start with work...I'm so lucky that I get to watch Tyge again. He's changed so much in the last two years but it's great being back in his life. I love that family and love being a part of it. I still work at Red Lobster. It's not a horrible job, just not one I want to do for the rest of my life.

School...ahhh school. I think I developed an ulcer from this semester. After working my butt off and living off coffee, I got a 3.3 GPA. Not too bad, but apparently not good enough for one of my professors who said she would write me a letter of rec and then said her letter would say I wasn't ready for grad school. WTF?! She also told me this 48 hours before the application was due so I was basically screwed. I'm still going to apply for the Master of Public Health program so I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

I started an internship at the Summit County Health Department today. So far, so good! And when I got there today my supervisor told me I would be getting paid starting Feb. 1 so that made me really, really happy :) :)

I'm still feeling really sick so it's probably time to go back to the doctor. And NO-I'm not pregnant.

There's a pretty good chance my Dad has prostate cancer. He got really sick back in November and after a cat scan and lots of testing they said he was fine (stupid Vernal doctors). But after being on antibiotics his PSA levels are increasing and the doctor pretty much told him the only thing it could be is cancer. He goes in for a biopsy on Monday and hopefully there will be more answers then.

So there's my life in a nutshell. Kind of boring, but it's still mine ;)

Little Guy

(Then)

It feels like yesterday that I was spending all my time with this handsome fella. My bald-headed, pacifer-loving, toothless, sweet-as-could-be, little guy.

Tyge was only 6 weeks when I started watching him and I was so nervous. I had watched my nephews when they were newborns but not for an extended amount of time. What if he won't stop crying? What if he quits breathing? What if he absolutely hates me and just wants his mom?

Luckily for me watching Tyge was NOTHING like that. He was the most easy going baby and I fell in love with him instantly. When I decided to move out of Utah I cried more thinking about leaving this little boy than anyone else. I stayed in touch with his family the whole time I was gone but I still cried every time I had to leave him.

Now I'm back in Utah and I am so lucky that I get to watch him again. He is still the same loveable little boy I remember: sweet, easy going, cutest smile and cutest laugh. He has more hair and teeth this go around, but he'll always be my Little Guy.

(Now)

Perfect

I wasn't too excited about the holidays this year. I was stressed, and poor, and so worn out from the semester I just wanted to stay in bed for 2 weeks. But once I got out to Vernal, and saw these 3 guys, my holiday season was perfect :)

Gage and me hiding out upstairs

Riken, me, and a not-so-happy Shane

Rik-e-o and me

Me and Shaner

Dear 2010

I have high hopes for you.

2009 pretty much knocked me on my ass. I can't remember a year more confusing and trying than last year. I stressed and cried and second guessed every decision I made.

In other words, it sucked!

Well, that's not entirely true. A lot of great things happened last year. But it feels like more negative things occurred than positive.

I realize not every year can be perfect, but I'm crossing my fingers that you (2010) will bring me some closure, happiness, and contentment.

I'm anxious, and a little nervous, to see what the next 363 days bring to my life.

Missing: Christmas Cheer

I saw this on PostSecret today and it completely summed up my mood lately. I've been so stressed out with school ((papers, tests, reading, etc.)), applying for programs and lack of money, I haven't been in the best of moods. I can barely pay my bills this month, let alone buy Christmas for all my family and friends. I know Christmas isn't about the monetary things and that we should all focus on caring and helping others, but it's still so frustrating.

In my building's laundry room is a spot where you can leave free stuff for others in the buildings. Most of the time there are only books, but tonight when I was doing my laundry I saw a whole box full of Christmas stuff. Normally I'm not one of those people that get all excited about lights and trees and decorations, but tonight I figured I'd give it a shot. (And it was free so even better!)

I put up the string of lights around my only window and put a few decorations up and realized I was in a better mood. I don't know what changed, but suddenly I didn't feel like cursing the world and going into hibernation until winter was over. Things started to look brighter and cheerier [if that's even a word].

Things aren't bad, they're just stressful, but so is life I guess.

I promise I have more dishes than this. They're just in the sink :)

Lights around my window--and my "kitchen table" that's actually a card table