One day I'll be better at this....

I kept waiting for something awesome and 'blog-worthy' to happen so I could finally update this, but I've just come to the realization that it doesn't always have to be something awesome that will make me write.

I randomly pulled out my old journals the other night and it's so strange to go back in time and remember everything I was feeling back then. I kept a lot of journals when I was in college and when I lived in California, and there's one common theme I found...

Lonely.

I was so lonely and I was trying to 'fix' it in all the wrong ways. I spent more time on the wrong guys and not enough time on myself. All I wanted was someone that would make me feel special and make me feel like I was good enough.

After I read those, I got a little sad honestly, mostly because there were some great times and I really missed the beach. But then I looked around my room and saw the engagement pictures of me and Shaun, and pictures from our wedding day, and our dogs sprawled out on our bed, and all those feelings just went away.

My life has no resemblance to the life I thought it would be. I never thought I would still be in Vernal. I never thought I would still be living at my Mom's house. And I most definitely never thought I would be married to a man like Shaun.

But my life isn't bad. In fact, my life is pretty damn good. I'm finally happy, and content, and feel like I'm right where I need to be at this point in my life.

Mr&Mrs Smith

So I'm only a little behind on this post ;)

It's been six weeks since we got married and I'm still having a hard time calling Shaun my HUSBAND instead of my fiance :)

The wedding was great! The weather was perfect and beautiful (but that's just how San Diego normally is)! We don't have our official pictures back yet, and I'm assuming most people have seen the pictures we do have on Facebook, so I won't do a picture overload. Instead, I want to give a few bits of advice to any newly engaged people.

1. Decide what is most important to you.
     For me, it was all about location, location, location! I have always dreamed of getting married on the beach so that was a no-brainer. After we figured that part out, everything else was cake!

2. Give yourself plenty of time.
     I had over a year to plan and prep and figure out how I wanted my wedding. I honestly have no idea how or why people get married with so little time! I didn't want to be stressing every day about getting things done.
     This also goes for the day of the wedding. We got all that we could get done the day before because I knew I didn't want to be rushing around the morning of. I got to sleep in, and then leisurely went and ate and got our hair done. Granted we were a little late with our hair, but it wasn't anything too big.

3. Find ways to save money.
     Destination weddings are never cheap. But I think we did our wedding in San Diego and a Vernal reception for under 10k (which seems high, but SD weddings cost a LOT!) Anyways, our first order of business was to find a good restaurant to have our reception. Finding a venue and then finding a caterer gets a little pricey! Plus they already have the plates, silverware and tablecloths. Our reception center even had a built in sound system so we didn't have to rent equipment or hire a DJ!
     Another way to save some cash...have your wedding on a weekday. I know it seems odd, but we saved ourselves over two grand just by getting married on a Thursday!
     If you have the option, go to a cosmotology school to get your hair and make up done. The going rate in San Diego was about $120, just for your hair! We got our hair and make up done at the Paul Mitchell School for $55! So worth it too.
     I knew we would only be using our flowers for a few hours, so instead of spending hundreds on professional flowers, we did them ourselves! For 15 centerpieces, 3 bridesmaids bouquets and 1 bridal bouquet is was $120. We lucked out and had a Trader Joe's near our hotel. They were gorgeous! I loved my bouquet.
    
4. Don't set your expectations so high that it will never compare.
     I've been part of both of my sister's weddings and I knew something would go wrong, so I was constantly reminding myself that it doesn't have to be perfect. Nothing too major went wrong but I also wasn't stressed and freaked out all day.

5. Just enjoy the day :)
     I know that one seems kind of obvious, but it's so true! We had a small enough wedding (just under 40 people) that we were able to talk and visit with everyone and still have time to ourselves to just enjoy the moment.

6. Do 'day after' or 'sneek peak' pictures.
     We did a day after session on the beach, and it was so much fun! Mostly because we were on the beach, but also because we weren't being rushed about having to get here or go there. We could just relax and have fun. Plus, it gives you another reason to wear your dress :)

That's basically all the advice I have about getting married and planning and blah blah blah  haha   It was the best day of my life and I couldn't imagine it any better! At the end of the day, I was married to my best friend and that's all that matters

 
 Lisa with our awesome Trader Joe's flowers :)

 
We were lucky enough to have a good friend (who just also happens to be a judge in Utah) fly down and marry us :)

 

I loved my dress and my bouquet! I had never felt so beautiful in my entire life.

 

Beautiful San Diego skyline outside our reception

Awesome sunset over the ocean with my husband. Life could not have been any better!

When It Rains...

List of not-so-good-things that happened the last month....

• I got fired.
• Later that same day, the transmission in my car went out.
• I had to get a crown (not a fun bill to pay).
• Random medical bills for Shaun.
• Random other bills started piling up too.

I cried a lot when I lost my job, mostly because the main reason I was given was "it was all the little things that added up" and that even though I "did a lot of good", it just wasnt a good fit. That's almost worse than the 'it's not you, it's me' line you get when you end a relationship unexpectedly. One person thinks things are going great, and the other person has one foot out the door.

Anyways, I've been trying to stay positive and not stress too much, but I am me afterall, and worrying comes second nature. I've been applying for every job under the sun, and today I got a part time job as a hostess, which will definitely help with all the bills and wedding costs.

Shaun has been amazing through the whole thing! He has been so supportive and trying to help me not worry. Unfortunately all the jobs I keep wanting to apply for are out of Vernal :(  And law enforcement jobs are not easy to find/get right now, so we will have to wait and see what happens with that one.

I can't believe the wedding is coming up so quickly!! Where has all the time gone?? I really don't know how people plan a wedding in under 6 months. There is just so much to do, not to mention the expenses, I don't think I would have my sanity intact if I had anything less than a year to plan.

So there's an update on the latest happenings of my life. Hopefully I'll have good news to report back on soon :)

4 months!

How do we only have 4 months until the wedding?? It really feels like yesterday we had 8 months, and now we're down to the wire. Eekk!
I've made (a little) progress.
-Bought the dress :)
-Bought the bridesmaids dresses
-Bought the groomsmen shorts
-Have the majority of the centerpieces
-Made the guest book
........


Okay, that's about all I have lol I really feel like I've been more productive than that though. I guess hours on Pinterest will make you feel productive without actually doing anything!

So this weekend Shaun's mom and dad came to Utah for the week and we hung out with them in Salt Lake. Ever since my camera died I haven't taken as many pictures as I normally would have, but here are just a few. We went up to the Capitol, mostly to see the Fallen Officer Memorial. We thought that Officer Francom's plaque would be up by now, but if it was we never saw it.

I don't think I've ever been to the Capitol, and if I have, it was years and years ago! But man, that place is GORGEOUS! Shaun's brother and sister in law, along with their three girls, came with us and it was a ton of fun! I love having nieces :)

The Mr :)

I realized that in being together almost a year, I haven't written much (if anything) about Shaun, so today I'm going to change that ;)

When Shaun and I met, I was recently single and not looking to get into any sort of relationship. I seemed to fight with him every step of the way, basically doing everything I could to push him away. I saw a quote once that said you build up walls to see who will work take the time to break them down, and that's exactly what Shaun did. It feels like all my past relationships have been so disfunctional that I wouldn't know a good relationship if it slapped me across the face. I didn't think that I would ever find someone who was good enough for me, and that I felt good enough for.

My whole life I've wanted a relationship where I felt safe and secure. Well, you can't feel much safer than when you are with a cop ;) But besides the gun and taser, Shaun has done everything in his power to show me that no matter how mad he gets at me, no matter how mad I get at him, even when I feel like screaming and walking out the door, he will always be there for me and love me unconditionally. To say I have abandonement issues is the understatement of the century, and I know that has caused multiple problems in my past, but for the first time in my life I have someone that understands that and works to keep me from running. And believe me, I tried. I've had major doubts, not so much about Shaun and our relationship, but about myself and basically talking myself out of the relationship. But I finally realized that at the end of the day, all I want to do is go home to Shaun and our dogs, and just be together. It doesn't matter if we are laying in bed, driving around in his patrol car, walking down the beach, or even doing chores around the house, as long as I'm with Shaun, I love every second.

I've had a ton of dreams about things not going right with the wedding, like I have no flowers and no music and I'm wearing an awful dress. But even in those horrible dreams as soon as I realize I'm walking down the aisle to Shaun, I'm overcome with an incredible feeling of happiness.

We drive each other crazy sometimes (I always leave the bathroom drawers open. He wears a gazillion shirts that have to be washed all the time) but I love him with all my heart. He's the first and last person I see every day. He's the person I turn to for advice, for love, for support. He's my best friend and I can't wait to marry him.

Love you sweeheart!!!  xoxo

*Warning-this blog contains a mini soap opera. Not too much bitching and complaining, just some drama. Enter at your own risk*

I'm never really sure how much information I want to share on my blog. I try and keep all my personal drama to myself and very rarely put anything negative even on my Facebook account. But this has been bothering me for sometime so I'm just going to go ahead and purge all this negativity from my mind.

Expectations. Everyone has them and everyone is held to a different standard based on who they are. I tend to hold my family to pretty high expectations and just because they are 'family' doesn't mean they can get away with murder, at least in my opinion.

Since Shaun and I got engaged, I've had a few close friends extremely excited and involved in the wedding planning, along with one of my sisters and my mom. A few other family members, on the other hand, have really hurt and disappointed me.

I love my Dad, but I think he may have hurt me the most when all of this started. Talking about money is never the easiest thing to do, especially when it comes to weddings. I know money is tight everywhere and I don't expect a dime from my family. What killed me was when we first got engaged I tried talking to my dad about the wedding and what not, and in the course of talking about money and going to San Diego my dad tells me that "he'll try" and make it to my wedding, but he's not sure if he'll be able to make it. W. T. F.  I was furious. Again, I get that money is tight, but that's why we waited a year to get married so everyone could save and we could have a good time. I asked him, "So you're saying you're not coming to my wedding?" and all he could say was, I'll try but I don't know.

Shaun and I left his house and I started bawling in the car. This was my father, the person I always invisioned walking me down the aisle, basically telling me I'm not worth his time and energy to save some money. I called one of my friends and told her the story, and the first thing she said was she remembered when my dad first got diagnosed with prostate cancer that he wouldn't be alive to walk me down the aisle. Well, there he was, healthy as could be, and he didn't even seem to care about my feelings. Not to mention his pack a day smoking habit would have paid for his trip down there, but that's a different story. So My mom ended up calling him and telling him how upset I was and THEN he said he would of course make it, but it's still left me hurt and still not entirely counting on him making it. I tend to hold onto hurt feelings and it takes a very, very long time for me to entirely forgive someone, but again, that's a different story.

So after all the drama with my Dad settles down, now we have drama with my other sister. This would seriously take days to describe, the the basic story is she told me she didn't trust me, that even though I was getting married I was still a spoiled little brat, and I never did anything for anyone unless it benefited me. And to top it off she said if I was done with her then I was done with my nephews and I couldn't see them. Needless to say I was devastated. Shaun and I were laying in bed and I woke him up because I was crying so hard. After discussing it with Shaun we decided not to invite her to the wedding after all that she said and some previous things she had done. So besides fighting with her, now my family is upset because I don't want her at my wedding. Everyone keeps telling me that family is the most important thing and I should basically give her a free pass because she is family. I know that family is important, but this is one of the biggest days in my life and I want to be surrounded by people that love and care about me and Shaun, not someone who obviously thinks so little of me. It kills me to think my whole family won't be there but, like Shaun reminded me, we are starting our own family and if other people want to be a part of that, it's up to them to make that effort.

So with all of this said, it basically boils down to me holding onto some childhood dream of my wedding day. All my sisters and close friends will be with me when I find "the dress", they'll help me decorate and come up with cute crafty things. My dad will walk me down the aisle (while I'm in the most amazing dress in the world) and I'll marry the love of my life.  I know at the end of the day I will end up with the love of my life, and that's all that should matter, and I will have the support of close family and friends, but sometimes it's just hard to give up those expectations and have reality smack you in the face.

-Sorry for the sob story, but I wanted to vent. Love you all =)

2 w's....work and wedding!

So the last two weeks have been quite the change of pace for me.

I got a new job!

My last day at X94 was much more emotional than I thought. I cried the last time I read the news and totally broke down on the air. I really do miss my coworkers, but I am loving the 6:30 alarm instead of 4am!

Now onto the new job: Now I work at TriCounty Health Department, working with Uintah and Dagget School Districts updating their tobacco use policy and starting up youth groups. The first week consisted of a ton of reading, and this week I've actually been able to go out and talk to people. I've been drawn to jobs where I get to interact with the public on a regular basis and this one is right up my alley. My new co-workers are fabulous, and the benefits are pretty awesome too :) It's been a little strange going through my whole day without taking a nap. It's amazing how productive I am! haha

I've actually been able to get some wedding stuff done too. We've confirmed a hotel block in San Diego, we found our photographers (yay!) and we have a food tasting scheduled when we go to San Diego next month. A lot done, but still a TON more to actually get done! And let's not forget I haven't even started looking for my dress. I know I should be more excited about that, but I'm behind on actually starting to lose weight so I'm putting that off until I absolutely have to.

Well, I hope everyone has a great, fantastic weekend! This felt like a big mix of subjects for a blog, but this is what you get when I'm sitting home on a Friday night ;)