My Toby

Last Saturday we lost a member of our family. We lost our furry, four legged child. We lost Toby.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I completely lost it. One minute we were sitting on our coach, relaxing after a great morning at 'Shop With A Cop'. The next minute a lady is at my door-holding Toby's collar-saying she hit him. I didn't even know he was outside, let alone out of our yard.

I don't blame the woman. She was so kind. She went to multiple homes looking for us and brought Toby back to us. She had a lot of courage and character to do those things for us.

I sat outside in 10 degree weather just holding Toby and sobbing for over an hour. I felt, and still feel, so guilty for not checking on him sooner and not figuring out how he had gotten out of the yard. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that just 20 minutes earlier he was laying on our couch, and now he was gone.

The last 6 days have been the worst of my life. I've cried more than I ever thought possible. My heart hurts so much it's hard to breath.

Most people in my life have so great and so supportive. I can't thank them enough for the love they've shown me this week. I couldn't have made it through this without my husband, my family and my friends.

Some others will just never understand that he wasn't 'just a pet'. They don't understand how every day he made me smile and laugh. They don't understand how I knew exactly what bark I would hear when Shaun walked through the door, because Toby was always on guard and always at the ready. They didn't see how long I spent picking out Halloween costumes for him and Murphy and or their Christmas stockings hanging over the fireplace.

Toby was one of a kind. He thought he was the biggest, toughest dog around. He looked my Dad's German Shepard right in the eye and barked at her. He had no fear. But he also had the sweetest personality. He would do anything to be pet- you had to hide your hands from him. 

Shaun and I have this vision of Toby standing guard at the Pearly Gates and barking whenever someone new arrives. He'll sniff them out and give the approval to let them through. If he doesn't like them or think they deserve to come in, he'll pee on their shoe and chase them away.

Nothing will ever replace Toby. He was our little boy. Our sweet Tobes, Monkey and panty snatcher.

We love you Toby. You will forever be in our hearts.

Life doesn't have to be Perfect to be Wonderful

Okay, okay. I know I said I'd do better in blogging. Obviously, that didn't really work out the way I intended. But I really will try to do better this time. Pinky swear!

Time to play catch up...again.

April-
My awesome hunnie was awarded Vernal City Police Officer of the Year! He's spent countless hours tracking fugitives, monitoring sex offenders and basically just kicking ass :)  I'm so proud of him! A part of me is jealous that he's doing the one thing he was born to do and loves every day of his job.

May & June
These were pretty boring months to be completely honest. I was working graveyards at the hospital and my life consisted of sleeping and working. It was weird functioning during daylight hours. The one good thing about these months is we were able to meet Steve & LeeRoy. Steve is walking across America raising money for an orphanage in Africa his best friend began. LeeRoy is his goat. I started talking with him on Facebook and he actually stayed at my mom's house for a few nights while he was traveling through town. He's definitely one of a kind and I'm glad to call him a friend :) Check out his website to donate and learn more about his walk   www.needle2square.com

July-
I left my job at the hospital. We went to Idaho for a mini-family reunion and then went to Yellowstone. It's been years since I've been there and it was fun getting to spend cousins we rarely see.
Shaun and I FINALLY moved into our own place! It was great being able to stay with my mom while we paid off bills and got married but it was even more great to have our own space. The dogs are still unsure about our neighbors (our landlords horses and sheep).

August-
This was actually a fun and busy month. Quite a change of pace from the previous few months. I started my new job at The Journey Counseling Center. I'm over the foster care program. So far it's been a good job. Stressful, but good. 
During August, we just got settled into our house. Shaun's bro & family camped out at Flaming Gorge one night so we joined them. Man, I love the water. It doesn't matter if it's the lake, river or ocean, being near the water calms me. Makes me feel like things are going to be alright.
My best friend Tyson also got married!!! Neither one of us ever thought we would get married, and actually made a pact that if we weren't married by the time we were 35, we would marry each other haha. I was so happy that he found the love of his life. I was also pretty happy she was from San Diego and that was where they got hitched. Awww, the ocean....My happy place :)
After we got back from San Diego, the PD hosted a family river trip down the Green. Shaun's family came out again and I had another chance to be around water. Overall, it was a great trip :)

The Smith Family

September-
Our one year anniversary :) We didn't do a lot to celebrate (work really puts a damper in plans ;) but as long as I got to see my husband I was happy. He got me a gorgeous necklace and I got him tickets to go see 'Fluffy'. I don't want to fall asleep or wake up to any one besides Shaun for the rest of my life. I don't know what I would do without him!

October-
BIRTHDAY MONTH :) :) :) haha  Even though it's my birthday month, I'm not usually a huge fan of October. October usually means the end of warm days and that snow is just around the corner. While everyone knows how much I love my hoodies, there's nothing I hate more than seeing the stupid white stuff fall from the sky.
Anyways, we finally got to see 'Fluffy' and it was great to have a weekend away. We've both been so busy the past few months that it feels like we barely see each other. It's amazing we are still married since we only saw each other when the other one was getting ready to go to bed or just waking up.
For the birthday, Shaun bought me a super cute new winter coat (Hey, even though I hate winter doesn't mean I need to suffer through it) and we went to dinner with my mom, dad and grandma.
When you're married without kids and your husband is at training, your dogs tend to suffer the most on Halloween. Yes, I'm that person that dressed up my dogs. Murphy was a Pirate and Toby was a Shark. Well, he was supposed to be a shark but the costume didn't fit great so it looked like he was being eaten by one. Anyways, I got to see my nephews for a bit and got to take Gage trick-or-treating. I can't believe he'll be 13 in January! Holy cow, it makes me feel old.

And now we're into November. Again, my life is boring. I work. I sleep. I eat. I repeat. Things have been extremely stressful and I haven't been handling it the best. Hopefully I'll get my anxiety under control soon and can feel normal again.

There are only a few weeks left on the year. I can't believe 2013 is almost over. I don't know how I feel about the end of another year. I don't feel like I've accomplished what I wanted to but hey, there's always next year ;)

One day I'll be better at this....

I kept waiting for something awesome and 'blog-worthy' to happen so I could finally update this, but I've just come to the realization that it doesn't always have to be something awesome that will make me write.

I randomly pulled out my old journals the other night and it's so strange to go back in time and remember everything I was feeling back then. I kept a lot of journals when I was in college and when I lived in California, and there's one common theme I found...

Lonely.

I was so lonely and I was trying to 'fix' it in all the wrong ways. I spent more time on the wrong guys and not enough time on myself. All I wanted was someone that would make me feel special and make me feel like I was good enough.

After I read those, I got a little sad honestly, mostly because there were some great times and I really missed the beach. But then I looked around my room and saw the engagement pictures of me and Shaun, and pictures from our wedding day, and our dogs sprawled out on our bed, and all those feelings just went away.

My life has no resemblance to the life I thought it would be. I never thought I would still be in Vernal. I never thought I would still be living at my Mom's house. And I most definitely never thought I would be married to a man like Shaun.

But my life isn't bad. In fact, my life is pretty damn good. I'm finally happy, and content, and feel like I'm right where I need to be at this point in my life.

Mr&Mrs Smith

So I'm only a little behind on this post ;)

It's been six weeks since we got married and I'm still having a hard time calling Shaun my HUSBAND instead of my fiance :)

The wedding was great! The weather was perfect and beautiful (but that's just how San Diego normally is)! We don't have our official pictures back yet, and I'm assuming most people have seen the pictures we do have on Facebook, so I won't do a picture overload. Instead, I want to give a few bits of advice to any newly engaged people.

1. Decide what is most important to you.
     For me, it was all about location, location, location! I have always dreamed of getting married on the beach so that was a no-brainer. After we figured that part out, everything else was cake!

2. Give yourself plenty of time.
     I had over a year to plan and prep and figure out how I wanted my wedding. I honestly have no idea how or why people get married with so little time! I didn't want to be stressing every day about getting things done.
     This also goes for the day of the wedding. We got all that we could get done the day before because I knew I didn't want to be rushing around the morning of. I got to sleep in, and then leisurely went and ate and got our hair done. Granted we were a little late with our hair, but it wasn't anything too big.

3. Find ways to save money.
     Destination weddings are never cheap. But I think we did our wedding in San Diego and a Vernal reception for under 10k (which seems high, but SD weddings cost a LOT!) Anyways, our first order of business was to find a good restaurant to have our reception. Finding a venue and then finding a caterer gets a little pricey! Plus they already have the plates, silverware and tablecloths. Our reception center even had a built in sound system so we didn't have to rent equipment or hire a DJ!
     Another way to save some cash...have your wedding on a weekday. I know it seems odd, but we saved ourselves over two grand just by getting married on a Thursday!
     If you have the option, go to a cosmotology school to get your hair and make up done. The going rate in San Diego was about $120, just for your hair! We got our hair and make up done at the Paul Mitchell School for $55! So worth it too.
     I knew we would only be using our flowers for a few hours, so instead of spending hundreds on professional flowers, we did them ourselves! For 15 centerpieces, 3 bridesmaids bouquets and 1 bridal bouquet is was $120. We lucked out and had a Trader Joe's near our hotel. They were gorgeous! I loved my bouquet.
    
4. Don't set your expectations so high that it will never compare.
     I've been part of both of my sister's weddings and I knew something would go wrong, so I was constantly reminding myself that it doesn't have to be perfect. Nothing too major went wrong but I also wasn't stressed and freaked out all day.

5. Just enjoy the day :)
     I know that one seems kind of obvious, but it's so true! We had a small enough wedding (just under 40 people) that we were able to talk and visit with everyone and still have time to ourselves to just enjoy the moment.

6. Do 'day after' or 'sneek peak' pictures.
     We did a day after session on the beach, and it was so much fun! Mostly because we were on the beach, but also because we weren't being rushed about having to get here or go there. We could just relax and have fun. Plus, it gives you another reason to wear your dress :)

That's basically all the advice I have about getting married and planning and blah blah blah  haha   It was the best day of my life and I couldn't imagine it any better! At the end of the day, I was married to my best friend and that's all that matters

 
 Lisa with our awesome Trader Joe's flowers :)

 
We were lucky enough to have a good friend (who just also happens to be a judge in Utah) fly down and marry us :)

 

I loved my dress and my bouquet! I had never felt so beautiful in my entire life.

 

Beautiful San Diego skyline outside our reception

Awesome sunset over the ocean with my husband. Life could not have been any better!

When It Rains...

List of not-so-good-things that happened the last month....

• I got fired.
• Later that same day, the transmission in my car went out.
• I had to get a crown (not a fun bill to pay).
• Random medical bills for Shaun.
• Random other bills started piling up too.

I cried a lot when I lost my job, mostly because the main reason I was given was "it was all the little things that added up" and that even though I "did a lot of good", it just wasnt a good fit. That's almost worse than the 'it's not you, it's me' line you get when you end a relationship unexpectedly. One person thinks things are going great, and the other person has one foot out the door.

Anyways, I've been trying to stay positive and not stress too much, but I am me afterall, and worrying comes second nature. I've been applying for every job under the sun, and today I got a part time job as a hostess, which will definitely help with all the bills and wedding costs.

Shaun has been amazing through the whole thing! He has been so supportive and trying to help me not worry. Unfortunately all the jobs I keep wanting to apply for are out of Vernal :(  And law enforcement jobs are not easy to find/get right now, so we will have to wait and see what happens with that one.

I can't believe the wedding is coming up so quickly!! Where has all the time gone?? I really don't know how people plan a wedding in under 6 months. There is just so much to do, not to mention the expenses, I don't think I would have my sanity intact if I had anything less than a year to plan.

So there's an update on the latest happenings of my life. Hopefully I'll have good news to report back on soon :)

4 months!

How do we only have 4 months until the wedding?? It really feels like yesterday we had 8 months, and now we're down to the wire. Eekk!
I've made (a little) progress.
-Bought the dress :)
-Bought the bridesmaids dresses
-Bought the groomsmen shorts
-Have the majority of the centerpieces
-Made the guest book
........


Okay, that's about all I have lol I really feel like I've been more productive than that though. I guess hours on Pinterest will make you feel productive without actually doing anything!

So this weekend Shaun's mom and dad came to Utah for the week and we hung out with them in Salt Lake. Ever since my camera died I haven't taken as many pictures as I normally would have, but here are just a few. We went up to the Capitol, mostly to see the Fallen Officer Memorial. We thought that Officer Francom's plaque would be up by now, but if it was we never saw it.

I don't think I've ever been to the Capitol, and if I have, it was years and years ago! But man, that place is GORGEOUS! Shaun's brother and sister in law, along with their three girls, came with us and it was a ton of fun! I love having nieces :)

The Mr :)

I realized that in being together almost a year, I haven't written much (if anything) about Shaun, so today I'm going to change that ;)

When Shaun and I met, I was recently single and not looking to get into any sort of relationship. I seemed to fight with him every step of the way, basically doing everything I could to push him away. I saw a quote once that said you build up walls to see who will work take the time to break them down, and that's exactly what Shaun did. It feels like all my past relationships have been so disfunctional that I wouldn't know a good relationship if it slapped me across the face. I didn't think that I would ever find someone who was good enough for me, and that I felt good enough for.

My whole life I've wanted a relationship where I felt safe and secure. Well, you can't feel much safer than when you are with a cop ;) But besides the gun and taser, Shaun has done everything in his power to show me that no matter how mad he gets at me, no matter how mad I get at him, even when I feel like screaming and walking out the door, he will always be there for me and love me unconditionally. To say I have abandonement issues is the understatement of the century, and I know that has caused multiple problems in my past, but for the first time in my life I have someone that understands that and works to keep me from running. And believe me, I tried. I've had major doubts, not so much about Shaun and our relationship, but about myself and basically talking myself out of the relationship. But I finally realized that at the end of the day, all I want to do is go home to Shaun and our dogs, and just be together. It doesn't matter if we are laying in bed, driving around in his patrol car, walking down the beach, or even doing chores around the house, as long as I'm with Shaun, I love every second.

I've had a ton of dreams about things not going right with the wedding, like I have no flowers and no music and I'm wearing an awful dress. But even in those horrible dreams as soon as I realize I'm walking down the aisle to Shaun, I'm overcome with an incredible feeling of happiness.

We drive each other crazy sometimes (I always leave the bathroom drawers open. He wears a gazillion shirts that have to be washed all the time) but I love him with all my heart. He's the first and last person I see every day. He's the person I turn to for advice, for love, for support. He's my best friend and I can't wait to marry him.

Love you sweeheart!!!  xoxo