I was a Mom, once.

Almost since the day I met Shaun, I knew he wanted to have kids. I've teased him relentlessly about being more baby hungry than most women I know and him wishing I was wearing a maternity wedding dress on our wedding day. I was a little more conservative. I told him I wanted to wait until we had been married at least a year and lived in our own place. Once both of those stipulations were met, it was time to start "trying".

Things didn't seem to be progressing as fast as I was hoping. I had been off birth control for over a year and still nothing. For some reason I kind of thought I would be that girl that had no problem getting pregnant. Thinking there might be something wrong with me, I went to an OB and he prescribed a few months worth of Clomid. Oh, Clomid. That stuff is the devil! I'll have to write another post about my Clomid experience (there was actually one pretty funny story about it) but not today. I only made it on that stuff 2 months before I threw in towel. I changed OB's and it was the best decision! My new doctor started with some testing for me and Shaun, and everything was in the clear. We started remodeling a new house and decided to hold off on the baby thing. More and more it seemed like I just wasn't destined to be pregnant and we started looking into adoption.

July 7, 2015

At this point, still no baby and I was just about to start a new job after 3 months of unemployment. I had been feeling different for a couple of weeks and I was about 5 days late. I had even starting looking on Pinterest for cute ways to announce a pregnancy on the off chance I was. Part of me screamed I was pregnant, and the other part wanted nothing to do with that side of my brain. I had no clue if I was excited or utterly terrified at the thought of really being pregnant. After a friend's little boy asked me where my baby was, I figured it was time to take a test.

Oh. My. God. 

I almost had a panic attack when I saw this. I really didn't think I could or ever would be pregnant. I started shaking and just kept staring at that word.

Pregnant.

 I knew I wanted to surprise Shaun somehow, so I ran to the store (still visibly shaking) and got a card and some baby bibs that said "Daddy Is My Hero. The card said "Congratulations" on the outside and inside I taped the test and wrote "Holy. Shit" next to it. When he came home I told him I got him something for being so great while I've been unemployed. His reaction was priceless! He looked at the card, looked at me, and said "Are you effing serious?! No way!" Of course, there was more colorful language used, but it was amazing to share the news with him. I loved being able to give him something he's wanted his whole life.

We wanted (and really tried) to wait to tell people, but we only lasted 2 days before Shaun wanted to tell his Mom. We took one more test to make sure it stuck and I made a cute picture to send her with Shaun's uniform and a test. We used that picture to tell most of our close friends and a few family members, and they were all just as excited for us as we were.

We told my mom and dad with books called How To Babysit A Grandma/Grandpa. I told them it was from the dogs as a thank you present for watching them that weekend, but inside it said "Please read to me when I make my big debut in March 2016". My mom's reaction was hilarious. She read the note and got this confused look on her face. She started counting and said, "But that's 8 months away?" Shaun and I just smiled and started laughing, then I showed her a picture of the pregnancy test and she finally got it. She had been asking for a human grandchild for years and it was almost as fun telling her as it was to tell Shaun.

I started work and, let me tell you, working at a mine when you're pregnant is NOT fun! Even though I spent the majority of my day in my office, the smells alone almost killed me. Also riding around for a few hours on bumpy dirt roads didn't help matters much, but I just kept some peppermints on hand. I told my manager my first day so I could start making appointments and getting things in order. After a week of freaking out about what she would say, it was such a relief to know I had the support of my new company. Finally I felt like I could relax and enjoy this.

July 29, 2015

First appointment day!!!!! According to my calculations, I was 8 weeks pregnant. I had spent the night before looking up ultrasounds and listening to heartbeats and just getting excited about the appointment. I remember telling Shaun on the drive over I didn't know what I was more scared of- nothing being wrong or something being wrong. It seems like a strange thing to say, but I've had way too many friends experience horrible pregnancies and I was terrified of being sick the whole time. I had been feeling a little sick the previous few weeks and had some cramping, but everyone I talked to said as long as there was no bleeding I should be fine. I was worried something might be wrong, but I never actually believed anything was. I'm just a natural pessimist and worrier.

They tell you to come to the appointment with a full bladder for the ultrasound, so being the good patient I am, drank a 54 oz water. Then we waited.

For over an hour.

I really thought my bladder was going to explode. When we finally got back to the room I begged Dr. Nolte to do the ultrasound first so I could use the bathroom. We went to the back room and I jumped on the table. I thought I knew how I would feel when we looked at the screen, how the "bubble" would look like a little baby and hopefully we would see and hear a heartbeat. But nothing prepared me for what we did actually see.

Nothing.

I knew we should have been able to see something, even a blob is visible at 5 weeks, and there we sat with a blank screen. Dr. Nolte wanted me to go to radiology and have a higher resolution ultrasound, so down the hall we went.

The tech did not have great bedside manner (...again, another story for another time) but she didn't see anything either. There was a gestational sac, but nothing inside. She said sometimes the body just "thinks" it's pregnant and sends out all the appropriate hormones but there's no baby. Then she walked out of the room (awful, awful lady!)

I started crying and tried to pull myself together enough to walk down the hall back to the clinic. I can't say enough great things about Dr. Nolte because he was truly a lifesaver! He said he wanted to wait another week before we started to panic. He said sometimes the dates are off or sometimes the baby just hides. Either way, we were about to play the waiting game.

After that, I was pretty much a wreck. Thankfully I have an amazing boss who let me go home early the next day because I was crying so much. I couldn't understand why this was happening. I did everything I was supposed to do. I had started taking prenatal vitamins the day after I found out I was pregnant. I wasn't doing any strenuous activities. I cut out all sushi and deli meat. I couldn't understand how women who use drugs, or teenage girls, or women who just didn't give a shit could go the full 40 weeks and have a perfectly healthy baby.

It wasn't fair.

And it wasn't fair to Shaun. I think I felt worse for him then I did for myself. All he's ever wanted was a baby and I failed him.

August 6, 2015

I don't know what was worse; waiting another week to see if there was a baby or telling the people we had already told about the possibility of there not being one in there. I felt guilty because I had been so scared about being sick and not knowing if I could physically deal with a pregnancy, I felt like this was my karma for my bad thoughts.

During this time a few of my friends shared their announcements on Facebook. I so wanted to be one of those people. I was so jealous of them and their happiness. They KNEW there was a baby. They KNEW everything was developing. They could be happy and celebrate. And there I was not knowing if I would be as happy as I was 2 weeks ago or if was about to get the blow of a lifetime.

A week came and went and we were back at the doctor. I was on the verge of tears all day because I just knew nothing would be there again.

Unfortunately, I was right.

"Blighted ovum"

 When you really are pregnant (thanks a lot dumb tech who made me feel like I was crazy and imagined the whole thing) but the egg does not develop and for some reason your body doesn't get the memo and keeps thinking it's pregnant. Again, Dr. Nolte was so kind and very apologetic. It was amazing knowing he was on our side. He said we had a couple options but we didn't need to make any decisions that day. I just wanted to get a game plan in place and get things going. We decided instead of waiting for my body to play catch up, we would go ahead with a D&C and remove all the remnants from the pregnancy.

I couldn't really bare to tell anyone, and gave that task to Shaun. I was still pretty angry with myself and the universe and was simply trying to hold it together. 

This is a pretty accurate picture of how it felt to look at the ultrasound screen and see an empty sac. Words are hard to find to describe it.

I would like to take a second and share a few things to NEVER, under any circumstances, say to a woman who has miscarried or lost a baby. I know most of these are said to comfort the parents, but if any of these things pop into your head as your about to say them to a mom who lost her baby, please rethink what you're about to say. *Disclaimer: I found this list online and added some personal thoughts. I know these aren't said with bad intentions, but I think a simple "I'm sorry" will work much better*

1. At least you can get pregnant.
This is a double edged sword for me. Yes I got pregnant but not only did it not develop, then my body when crazy and thought it was still there. So obviously it can't be trusted. I know some women who have no problem getting pregnant, but they can't carry a baby to term. I had a miscarriage in high school so my stats are sitting at 0-2. I don't know what's more painful - not getting pregnant or not staying pregnant. 

2. At least you miscarried early in your pregnancy.
It doesn't matter how many weeks you are. From the second you see that positive test your whole life is turned upside down. You start making plans for your life and your child's life, and it's heartbreaking at any age to lose a child.

3. It happened for a reason.
I know there's a reason it happened, and I know you're only saying this to try and make me feel better, but since I don't know that reason I can only blame myself. 

4. Maybe your eggs are bad and/or old.
So basically is what you're saying is that it IS my fault? Thanks. Jerk.

5. Don't worry — I'm sure you'll get pregnant again right away.
Maybe I will, maybe I won't. Maybe this has happened before and my body just isn't meant to carry a child. Maybe I don't want to try again. Maybe this time took too much out of me and I don't want to go through this again. Bottom line, this isn't making me feel any better because I already feel like a failure, and this just makes me think I'll be a failure again.

6. Maybe this means you aren't ready for a baby yet.
Not ready, huh? I've been married for almost 3 years, my husband and I both have good, stable jobs and we own a house. How does this not make us ready? Are teenagers ready? How about those lovely drug addicts? Think they were ready to bring a child into this world and care for it? I didn't think so either. 

August 12, 2015

And all of this leads up to today. I thought I was handling things really well until we got to the hospital and I saw my chart.
"D&C - Missed Abortion"
I was laying in the bed, gown on and IV in my hand, and started sobbing. I couldn't believe that this was really happening. It was all starting to sink in and things were getting so real. I still didn't want to believe in a few minutes I wouldn't be "pregnant" anymore. Shaun sat by my side and held my hand as long as he could until they wheeled me back. I tried to make jokes with the nurse about it being just like "Grey's Anatomy", but I'm pretty sure she could still see the tears streaming down my face. 
All I can say is thank God for drugs and anesthesia. One minute I'm laying on the gurney feeling "floaty", the next I'm back in the room having the worst cramps of my life. It felt like a thousand little knives stabbing me from the inside. Motrin helped a little, but I just wanted to go home, lay in my bed and fall back asleep. Lortab helped, but it's still pretty killer to sit up in a chair.

I also have to take a minute and thank my husband for all of his support and love. From the minute he saw the pregnancy test, to finding out there was a miscarriage, he's been the one person I can share all my thoughts/feelings/worries/happiness with. I could not have gone through this with any other person and I'm so grateful he's been by my side. I love you sweetheart.

I don't know if we're going to really try for another baby, or if we'll start going down the route of adoption. Right now I don't want to think of any plans. Right now, I just want to grieve and be angry with the world. 

All I know is at least, for 4 weeks, I got to be a Mom.