The Mr :)

I realized that in being together almost a year, I haven't written much (if anything) about Shaun, so today I'm going to change that ;)

When Shaun and I met, I was recently single and not looking to get into any sort of relationship. I seemed to fight with him every step of the way, basically doing everything I could to push him away. I saw a quote once that said you build up walls to see who will work take the time to break them down, and that's exactly what Shaun did. It feels like all my past relationships have been so disfunctional that I wouldn't know a good relationship if it slapped me across the face. I didn't think that I would ever find someone who was good enough for me, and that I felt good enough for.

My whole life I've wanted a relationship where I felt safe and secure. Well, you can't feel much safer than when you are with a cop ;) But besides the gun and taser, Shaun has done everything in his power to show me that no matter how mad he gets at me, no matter how mad I get at him, even when I feel like screaming and walking out the door, he will always be there for me and love me unconditionally. To say I have abandonement issues is the understatement of the century, and I know that has caused multiple problems in my past, but for the first time in my life I have someone that understands that and works to keep me from running. And believe me, I tried. I've had major doubts, not so much about Shaun and our relationship, but about myself and basically talking myself out of the relationship. But I finally realized that at the end of the day, all I want to do is go home to Shaun and our dogs, and just be together. It doesn't matter if we are laying in bed, driving around in his patrol car, walking down the beach, or even doing chores around the house, as long as I'm with Shaun, I love every second.

I've had a ton of dreams about things not going right with the wedding, like I have no flowers and no music and I'm wearing an awful dress. But even in those horrible dreams as soon as I realize I'm walking down the aisle to Shaun, I'm overcome with an incredible feeling of happiness.

We drive each other crazy sometimes (I always leave the bathroom drawers open. He wears a gazillion shirts that have to be washed all the time) but I love him with all my heart. He's the first and last person I see every day. He's the person I turn to for advice, for love, for support. He's my best friend and I can't wait to marry him.

Love you sweeheart!!!  xoxo

*Warning-this blog contains a mini soap opera. Not too much bitching and complaining, just some drama. Enter at your own risk*

I'm never really sure how much information I want to share on my blog. I try and keep all my personal drama to myself and very rarely put anything negative even on my Facebook account. But this has been bothering me for sometime so I'm just going to go ahead and purge all this negativity from my mind.

Expectations. Everyone has them and everyone is held to a different standard based on who they are. I tend to hold my family to pretty high expectations and just because they are 'family' doesn't mean they can get away with murder, at least in my opinion.

Since Shaun and I got engaged, I've had a few close friends extremely excited and involved in the wedding planning, along with one of my sisters and my mom. A few other family members, on the other hand, have really hurt and disappointed me.

I love my Dad, but I think he may have hurt me the most when all of this started. Talking about money is never the easiest thing to do, especially when it comes to weddings. I know money is tight everywhere and I don't expect a dime from my family. What killed me was when we first got engaged I tried talking to my dad about the wedding and what not, and in the course of talking about money and going to San Diego my dad tells me that "he'll try" and make it to my wedding, but he's not sure if he'll be able to make it. W. T. F.  I was furious. Again, I get that money is tight, but that's why we waited a year to get married so everyone could save and we could have a good time. I asked him, "So you're saying you're not coming to my wedding?" and all he could say was, I'll try but I don't know.

Shaun and I left his house and I started bawling in the car. This was my father, the person I always invisioned walking me down the aisle, basically telling me I'm not worth his time and energy to save some money. I called one of my friends and told her the story, and the first thing she said was she remembered when my dad first got diagnosed with prostate cancer that he wouldn't be alive to walk me down the aisle. Well, there he was, healthy as could be, and he didn't even seem to care about my feelings. Not to mention his pack a day smoking habit would have paid for his trip down there, but that's a different story. So My mom ended up calling him and telling him how upset I was and THEN he said he would of course make it, but it's still left me hurt and still not entirely counting on him making it. I tend to hold onto hurt feelings and it takes a very, very long time for me to entirely forgive someone, but again, that's a different story.

So after all the drama with my Dad settles down, now we have drama with my other sister. This would seriously take days to describe, the the basic story is she told me she didn't trust me, that even though I was getting married I was still a spoiled little brat, and I never did anything for anyone unless it benefited me. And to top it off she said if I was done with her then I was done with my nephews and I couldn't see them. Needless to say I was devastated. Shaun and I were laying in bed and I woke him up because I was crying so hard. After discussing it with Shaun we decided not to invite her to the wedding after all that she said and some previous things she had done. So besides fighting with her, now my family is upset because I don't want her at my wedding. Everyone keeps telling me that family is the most important thing and I should basically give her a free pass because she is family. I know that family is important, but this is one of the biggest days in my life and I want to be surrounded by people that love and care about me and Shaun, not someone who obviously thinks so little of me. It kills me to think my whole family won't be there but, like Shaun reminded me, we are starting our own family and if other people want to be a part of that, it's up to them to make that effort.

So with all of this said, it basically boils down to me holding onto some childhood dream of my wedding day. All my sisters and close friends will be with me when I find "the dress", they'll help me decorate and come up with cute crafty things. My dad will walk me down the aisle (while I'm in the most amazing dress in the world) and I'll marry the love of my life.  I know at the end of the day I will end up with the love of my life, and that's all that should matter, and I will have the support of close family and friends, but sometimes it's just hard to give up those expectations and have reality smack you in the face.

-Sorry for the sob story, but I wanted to vent. Love you all =)