My Toby

Last Saturday we lost a member of our family. We lost our furry, four legged child. We lost Toby.

To say I was devastated is an understatement. I completely lost it. One minute we were sitting on our coach, relaxing after a great morning at 'Shop With A Cop'. The next minute a lady is at my door-holding Toby's collar-saying she hit him. I didn't even know he was outside, let alone out of our yard.

I don't blame the woman. She was so kind. She went to multiple homes looking for us and brought Toby back to us. She had a lot of courage and character to do those things for us.

I sat outside in 10 degree weather just holding Toby and sobbing for over an hour. I felt, and still feel, so guilty for not checking on him sooner and not figuring out how he had gotten out of the yard. I couldn't wrap my brain around the fact that just 20 minutes earlier he was laying on our couch, and now he was gone.

The last 6 days have been the worst of my life. I've cried more than I ever thought possible. My heart hurts so much it's hard to breath.

Most people in my life have so great and so supportive. I can't thank them enough for the love they've shown me this week. I couldn't have made it through this without my husband, my family and my friends.

Some others will just never understand that he wasn't 'just a pet'. They don't understand how every day he made me smile and laugh. They don't understand how I knew exactly what bark I would hear when Shaun walked through the door, because Toby was always on guard and always at the ready. They didn't see how long I spent picking out Halloween costumes for him and Murphy and or their Christmas stockings hanging over the fireplace.

Toby was one of a kind. He thought he was the biggest, toughest dog around. He looked my Dad's German Shepard right in the eye and barked at her. He had no fear. But he also had the sweetest personality. He would do anything to be pet- you had to hide your hands from him. 

Shaun and I have this vision of Toby standing guard at the Pearly Gates and barking whenever someone new arrives. He'll sniff them out and give the approval to let them through. If he doesn't like them or think they deserve to come in, he'll pee on their shoe and chase them away.

Nothing will ever replace Toby. He was our little boy. Our sweet Tobes, Monkey and panty snatcher.

We love you Toby. You will forever be in our hearts.

Life doesn't have to be Perfect to be Wonderful

Okay, okay. I know I said I'd do better in blogging. Obviously, that didn't really work out the way I intended. But I really will try to do better this time. Pinky swear!

Time to play catch up...again.

April-
My awesome hunnie was awarded Vernal City Police Officer of the Year! He's spent countless hours tracking fugitives, monitoring sex offenders and basically just kicking ass :)  I'm so proud of him! A part of me is jealous that he's doing the one thing he was born to do and loves every day of his job.

May & June
These were pretty boring months to be completely honest. I was working graveyards at the hospital and my life consisted of sleeping and working. It was weird functioning during daylight hours. The one good thing about these months is we were able to meet Steve & LeeRoy. Steve is walking across America raising money for an orphanage in Africa his best friend began. LeeRoy is his goat. I started talking with him on Facebook and he actually stayed at my mom's house for a few nights while he was traveling through town. He's definitely one of a kind and I'm glad to call him a friend :) Check out his website to donate and learn more about his walk   www.needle2square.com

July-
I left my job at the hospital. We went to Idaho for a mini-family reunion and then went to Yellowstone. It's been years since I've been there and it was fun getting to spend cousins we rarely see.
Shaun and I FINALLY moved into our own place! It was great being able to stay with my mom while we paid off bills and got married but it was even more great to have our own space. The dogs are still unsure about our neighbors (our landlords horses and sheep).

August-
This was actually a fun and busy month. Quite a change of pace from the previous few months. I started my new job at The Journey Counseling Center. I'm over the foster care program. So far it's been a good job. Stressful, but good. 
During August, we just got settled into our house. Shaun's bro & family camped out at Flaming Gorge one night so we joined them. Man, I love the water. It doesn't matter if it's the lake, river or ocean, being near the water calms me. Makes me feel like things are going to be alright.
My best friend Tyson also got married!!! Neither one of us ever thought we would get married, and actually made a pact that if we weren't married by the time we were 35, we would marry each other haha. I was so happy that he found the love of his life. I was also pretty happy she was from San Diego and that was where they got hitched. Awww, the ocean....My happy place :)
After we got back from San Diego, the PD hosted a family river trip down the Green. Shaun's family came out again and I had another chance to be around water. Overall, it was a great trip :)

The Smith Family

September-
Our one year anniversary :) We didn't do a lot to celebrate (work really puts a damper in plans ;) but as long as I got to see my husband I was happy. He got me a gorgeous necklace and I got him tickets to go see 'Fluffy'. I don't want to fall asleep or wake up to any one besides Shaun for the rest of my life. I don't know what I would do without him!

October-
BIRTHDAY MONTH :) :) :) haha  Even though it's my birthday month, I'm not usually a huge fan of October. October usually means the end of warm days and that snow is just around the corner. While everyone knows how much I love my hoodies, there's nothing I hate more than seeing the stupid white stuff fall from the sky.
Anyways, we finally got to see 'Fluffy' and it was great to have a weekend away. We've both been so busy the past few months that it feels like we barely see each other. It's amazing we are still married since we only saw each other when the other one was getting ready to go to bed or just waking up.
For the birthday, Shaun bought me a super cute new winter coat (Hey, even though I hate winter doesn't mean I need to suffer through it) and we went to dinner with my mom, dad and grandma.
When you're married without kids and your husband is at training, your dogs tend to suffer the most on Halloween. Yes, I'm that person that dressed up my dogs. Murphy was a Pirate and Toby was a Shark. Well, he was supposed to be a shark but the costume didn't fit great so it looked like he was being eaten by one. Anyways, I got to see my nephews for a bit and got to take Gage trick-or-treating. I can't believe he'll be 13 in January! Holy cow, it makes me feel old.

And now we're into November. Again, my life is boring. I work. I sleep. I eat. I repeat. Things have been extremely stressful and I haven't been handling it the best. Hopefully I'll get my anxiety under control soon and can feel normal again.

There are only a few weeks left on the year. I can't believe 2013 is almost over. I don't know how I feel about the end of another year. I don't feel like I've accomplished what I wanted to but hey, there's always next year ;)

One day I'll be better at this....

I kept waiting for something awesome and 'blog-worthy' to happen so I could finally update this, but I've just come to the realization that it doesn't always have to be something awesome that will make me write.

I randomly pulled out my old journals the other night and it's so strange to go back in time and remember everything I was feeling back then. I kept a lot of journals when I was in college and when I lived in California, and there's one common theme I found...

Lonely.

I was so lonely and I was trying to 'fix' it in all the wrong ways. I spent more time on the wrong guys and not enough time on myself. All I wanted was someone that would make me feel special and make me feel like I was good enough.

After I read those, I got a little sad honestly, mostly because there were some great times and I really missed the beach. But then I looked around my room and saw the engagement pictures of me and Shaun, and pictures from our wedding day, and our dogs sprawled out on our bed, and all those feelings just went away.

My life has no resemblance to the life I thought it would be. I never thought I would still be in Vernal. I never thought I would still be living at my Mom's house. And I most definitely never thought I would be married to a man like Shaun.

But my life isn't bad. In fact, my life is pretty damn good. I'm finally happy, and content, and feel like I'm right where I need to be at this point in my life.