Sometimes...

Most days I can handle the bills and the 40 work week and the being-on-my-own thing.

But then there are those days when I would give ANYTHING to be 8 years old again, in my old room, in my old neighborhood, riding bikes all day long. The most difficult decision I would have to make is what game do we play first, who was "it" for tag, and my only worry was getting home before dark.

Tell me that's not the life?!

Being an adult does have it's advantages...My orange juice now comes with Peach Snapps, my allowance is a lot bigger and I don't have to have someone with me when I cross the street, or in one case the Pacific Ocean.

Both has it's good and bad.

The worst thing about growing up is the heartbreak. But heartbreak knows no age.


My parents separated when I was 6, my Dad moved out, and the divorce was finalized when I was 8. One night my parents were fighting and my Dad said he was going to leave. I locked myself in a closet and wouldn't come out until he promised he would stay. I remember the nights he would come to read us stories before bedtime and when he would leave I would grab onto his legs as he was trying to walk out the door and beg and cry for him to stay.

He always left.

That's stuck with me my whole life. In my first relationships I would cry and cry and beg the person I was dating not to leave me when we were fighting. Even if I knew the relationship wasn't working I couldn't handle being abandoned again. I couldn't handle that hopeless, lonely feeling I would get.

When someone would "abandon" me the only thing to get rid of that feeling was to get mad--to get even. I said some of the most horrible things to people I cared about all because my feelings were hurt and I was trying to be in control of the situation again.

I eventually went to counseling and worked through a lot of those issues stemming from my childhood, but sometimes they sneak back when I'm least expecting it. Someone will hurt me or do something I think is wrong and all those feelings come rushing back. While my reaction isn't as severe as it used to be, it's still not something I'm proud of.


"Growing Up Is Hard" is an understatement.

Growing up is by far the most difficult thing you will ever do in your life. You'll be on top of the world one minute and rock bottom the next. People you loved and cared about will leave and new ones will take their place. Your heart will be broken more times than you can count and it feels like the pieces will never come back together. At times you will be absolutely miserable, and scream and cry and curse the world.


I have a quote that says:
"Someday everything will all make perfect sense. So for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears, and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason."

That's really all you can do. Take life one day at a time and hope that one day everything will come together.